The Ability 411, a group I mentioned in my post entitled "On Being Called Beautiful," dedicated their videos this week to teaching others how to comfort a friend or family member who has just been in an accident that left them with a disability. I find it very telling that each person said that the most important thing a friend can do is simply to show up. It helps to come and sit in a hospital room in silence. It helps to call someone and let them breathe into the phone. It helps to send a text that only says "You can count on me." or "I love you." This of course is not only true when a loved one has suffered a life-changing injury, but when a loved one is going through anything difficult.
I bring this up because I think a lot people have a fear of saying the wrong thing to someone in dire straits. As someone who has been in dire straits several times, like most humans have been, I can tell you, the fact that you want to say something comforting, means just as what comes out of your mouth or from your pen. Actually, because we are mortal and therefore unable to instantly fix one another's problems with loving sentiments, your desire to comfort may mean more than your words.
Until you show up though, in some way, that desire is unknown to everyone but you and thus has very little meaning. In one of the weirdest movies I have ever seen, the main character says "Any asshole in the world can love somebody, it what you do with people you love that matters." This is totally true; nobody is a mind-reader especially not when they are struggling. However, lines like that imply that it is imperative to do something big; that is untrue. Showing up is often doing more than enough. We all get sad and scared; we have experiences that are terribly unfair. The idea that in those circumstances we need someone to say the correct string of phrases, or perform the correct series of actions, is a huge misconception. We just need someone.
I am sure any reader can think about their past and find truth in what I am saying. When you look back on the hardest day of your life, whatever it might have entailed, do you ever think "I wish so-and-so would have said XYZ"? Probably not. You probably have said , "I wish so-and-so would have been there for me". Look back on the best day of your life. Did you think "S/he should have told me XYZ" or "They day would have been even better if s/he was happy for me."? Probably the latter.
This whole post goes back to the old saying, "People will forget what you say and do, but remember how you made them feel." Your presence, mentally or spiritually, if not physically, will make anyone about whom you care, feel cared about. That's all they can ask of you. More than likely, it's all they want from you if they are depressed.
Don't spend hours thinking of the perfect thing to do or say, just do or say something. It will be more helpful than anyone will ever know.
I bring this up because I think a lot people have a fear of saying the wrong thing to someone in dire straits. As someone who has been in dire straits several times, like most humans have been, I can tell you, the fact that you want to say something comforting, means just as what comes out of your mouth or from your pen. Actually, because we are mortal and therefore unable to instantly fix one another's problems with loving sentiments, your desire to comfort may mean more than your words.
Until you show up though, in some way, that desire is unknown to everyone but you and thus has very little meaning. In one of the weirdest movies I have ever seen, the main character says "Any asshole in the world can love somebody, it what you do with people you love that matters." This is totally true; nobody is a mind-reader especially not when they are struggling. However, lines like that imply that it is imperative to do something big; that is untrue. Showing up is often doing more than enough. We all get sad and scared; we have experiences that are terribly unfair. The idea that in those circumstances we need someone to say the correct string of phrases, or perform the correct series of actions, is a huge misconception. We just need someone.
I am sure any reader can think about their past and find truth in what I am saying. When you look back on the hardest day of your life, whatever it might have entailed, do you ever think "I wish so-and-so would have said XYZ"? Probably not. You probably have said , "I wish so-and-so would have been there for me". Look back on the best day of your life. Did you think "S/he should have told me XYZ" or "They day would have been even better if s/he was happy for me."? Probably the latter.
This whole post goes back to the old saying, "People will forget what you say and do, but remember how you made them feel." Your presence, mentally or spiritually, if not physically, will make anyone about whom you care, feel cared about. That's all they can ask of you. More than likely, it's all they want from you if they are depressed.
Don't spend hours thinking of the perfect thing to do or say, just do or say something. It will be more helpful than anyone will ever know.
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