My mom and I got to one of our famous debates last night. We are famous for arguing very loudly and laughing at an equally high volume minutes later, because we realize we're being ridiculous.
It all started because I have absolutely no desire to walk at my impending graduation. I am so glad that it is fast approaching, and I am proud of myself. I am grateful for the many people who supported me. I will go out and have drinks or dinner with my parents and whatever family or friends wish to join us. My problem is that, figuring out how to walk down there, how to get back up, which equipment to use, all so people can act like it's amazing that in five and a half years, I did what most people do in four, is not appealing to me in the slightest. I don't feel like explaining this to mom so I just say , "I don't want all the attention." She made a comment about how it will be worse on my wedding day.
I tell her the truth: I have no desire to have a typical wedding. If I had it my way, the love of my life and I would go to city hall with my parents and sister say "I do" in front of judge and call that a wedding. I guess I'd have to allow his immediate family to attend. :) She says "So MANY PEOPLE would LOVE to see you get married. That is UNFAIR to them." This irks me, but not for the reason my mom thinks. She thinks I am irritated because I should be allowed to make the choice. I absolutely should make the final decisions about my wedding day, if it ever happens, as everybody should. What really makes me uneasy is the fact that so many people would be so enthused to watch me walk down the isle. She said it would be a bigger deal than most because I'm so loved. I am not anymore loved any of my friends, immediate, or extended family. I am equally loved and unbelievably blessed for it. So why would it be so exciting to hear me say my vows? For the same reason it would be exciting to see me graduate. I am disabled, and nobody expects it happen. If it does happen, they'll all be especially happy for me. That's annoying.
I have an incredible family and my mom is the best person I have ever met, hands down. I know she doesn't realize what she thinks, that none them do. For the most part, my family sees me as "one of them". When you're considered different from others in society though, you learn to recognize a tone in people's voices, one they use when inadvertently expecting less of you. My mom doesn't use it often , but when she does, it hurts me. I do not want to watch people in awe of me while I walk. I would hate to see all my aunts and uncles crying harder than they did at my cousins' weddings. I do not want to hear a million remarks about what a special guy my husband is. The whole idea actually makes my skin crawl a little.
I am taking a very cynical look at this. It's really not like me. I can be negative about lots of things, but not people's feelings. I understand that it is rare for someone with a physical disability to earn a college degree; it is difficult for disabled people to find partners who accept them. My family would be happy for me and proud of me because they are wonderful , and because they help me reach my goals. That makes me indescribably fortunate. Maybe they deserve to celebrate with me.
I'm still bothered by the whole thing though, I can't help it. It's a flaw in me.
I have no clue what the purpose of this post is. As I said in the beginning, Mom and I ended the argument cracking up, because I don't even have a candidate for husband, and she cannot force me to walk at graduation.
It all started because I have absolutely no desire to walk at my impending graduation. I am so glad that it is fast approaching, and I am proud of myself. I am grateful for the many people who supported me. I will go out and have drinks or dinner with my parents and whatever family or friends wish to join us. My problem is that, figuring out how to walk down there, how to get back up, which equipment to use, all so people can act like it's amazing that in five and a half years, I did what most people do in four, is not appealing to me in the slightest. I don't feel like explaining this to mom so I just say , "I don't want all the attention." She made a comment about how it will be worse on my wedding day.
I tell her the truth: I have no desire to have a typical wedding. If I had it my way, the love of my life and I would go to city hall with my parents and sister say "I do" in front of judge and call that a wedding. I guess I'd have to allow his immediate family to attend. :) She says "So MANY PEOPLE would LOVE to see you get married. That is UNFAIR to them." This irks me, but not for the reason my mom thinks. She thinks I am irritated because I should be allowed to make the choice. I absolutely should make the final decisions about my wedding day, if it ever happens, as everybody should. What really makes me uneasy is the fact that so many people would be so enthused to watch me walk down the isle. She said it would be a bigger deal than most because I'm so loved. I am not anymore loved any of my friends, immediate, or extended family. I am equally loved and unbelievably blessed for it. So why would it be so exciting to hear me say my vows? For the same reason it would be exciting to see me graduate. I am disabled, and nobody expects it happen. If it does happen, they'll all be especially happy for me. That's annoying.
I have an incredible family and my mom is the best person I have ever met, hands down. I know she doesn't realize what she thinks, that none them do. For the most part, my family sees me as "one of them". When you're considered different from others in society though, you learn to recognize a tone in people's voices, one they use when inadvertently expecting less of you. My mom doesn't use it often , but when she does, it hurts me. I do not want to watch people in awe of me while I walk. I would hate to see all my aunts and uncles crying harder than they did at my cousins' weddings. I do not want to hear a million remarks about what a special guy my husband is. The whole idea actually makes my skin crawl a little.
I am taking a very cynical look at this. It's really not like me. I can be negative about lots of things, but not people's feelings. I understand that it is rare for someone with a physical disability to earn a college degree; it is difficult for disabled people to find partners who accept them. My family would be happy for me and proud of me because they are wonderful , and because they help me reach my goals. That makes me indescribably fortunate. Maybe they deserve to celebrate with me.
I'm still bothered by the whole thing though, I can't help it. It's a flaw in me.
I have no clue what the purpose of this post is. As I said in the beginning, Mom and I ended the argument cracking up, because I don't even have a candidate for husband, and she cannot force me to walk at graduation.
If it makes you feel any different, I kinda thought my wedding would be that way, and I was prepared for the whole smile and nod and say thank you routine, but the majority of people at my wedding were just happy for me not amazed,no one gushed about how great Tom was or anything. They were just happy for me same is they were when my sister's got married. You shouldn't make a decision about something based on other people's reactions. It's your choice. I know more people that regret not walking or having a weddint than I do those who regret doing it.
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