On Being Called Beautiful

A wonderful group called the Ability 411 is” vlogging” about beauty and disability this week. You should check out their videos—especially if you aren’t disabled. They are incredibly kind people but blunt enough to be informative. One of my favorite friends, Melissa, who you can find over at http://disabilityandido.blogspot.com/ , wrote an interesting blog today about the challenges of working out as a person with CP.  Being that I feel like writing, and sometimes have problems coming with topics for my blog, I figure I’ll follow the trend and throw my two cents in about the struggle some people with disabilities have regarding beauty and body-image. Take it or leave it.

I think part of the issues can be explained using the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis. For those of you who haven’t had to memorize this basic ideas of this theory for twelve separate psych and communication classes, it is defined by reference.com this way: a theory developed by Edward Sapir and Benjamin Lee Whorf that states that the structure of a language determines or greatly influences the modes of thought and behavior characteristic of the culture in which it is spoken. In short, this says the words we use (and are taught to use) to describe people, places and things actually affects the way we perceive them.  

I’m willing to bet that it would be very difficult to find a person out there with any disability who has not been called adorable and precious as an adult. I’m also willing to bet, that most of them have been referred to as a cutie-pie well after they celebrated their sweet sixteen. People say this meaning to be nice, and personally I do my best to consider them compliments. The issue is, in the structure of the language we speak, “precious” and “cutie-pie” flow well with “baby”, “daughter”, “child” and “little boy.” They are not often heard when describing a wife, lover, professional, or expert, and they certainly don’t describe someone most  would find desirable or sexy. This a big reason why it is hard for lots of people to see “a person like me” as the same type of beautiful as they may see my friends. It is the same reason why it is sometimes more difficult for those of us with disabilities to see ourselves as beautiful, we are raised in the same society as everyone else.  The latter is obviously more problematic statement than the first.

Everybody has heard their mother say it a million times; others won’t think you are great until you believe it. Unfortunately, this means that most of  the work falls on the disabled community. We have to reject the stereotypes that these words perpetuate, and the hurt that those stereotypes cause. If we can learn to see ourselves as powerful or sexy or gorgeous, we will be better equipped to show the world our beauty. It is pointless to angry with the world about how they perceive us if we, deep, deep down, still see ourselves and each other in the same, differentiated,   light.  Once we are able to do this, I am hopeful that the confidence will radiate from us so brightly that they won’t be able to call us cutesy names.

I say I am hopeful because while I understand the importance of the ideas I am writing, I often need others to remind me of them. It is hard not be acutely aware of the fact that people see me as adorable, rather than beautiful, and hard not to fear the rejection for which that sets me up.  I am lucky though to have my friend Candace, who never seems to tire (although she probably does) of telling me that  there are guys who do look at me the way they look at her, and who never expects my guy-stories to be any different from those of her walking friends. Sometimes she even laughs at me when I expect her to buy into stereotypes. Everyone (disabled or not) needs a friend or two like her,  people who refuse to accept the bullshit you feed yourself as to why you aren’t good enough. If anyone reading needs a friend like that today, I’m ready and willing.   Most of me believes that Candace and some of my other friends who I have recently become comfortable discussing my insecurities with are correct, and some day with a little help for those friends and by growing within myself, I predict that rest of me will eventually come around. I pray you do, too.