On Being an Ally

I am a proud member of three online communities concerning disability. It is beyond helpful to connect with people with experiences and challenges similar to my own. A few days ago, I read post that bothered me. A couple of the members wanted to create a poster about how to be a good ally to your disabled friends and/or family members.  

I guess one could make a case that this is a good idea, because there are many people who get nervous when they have to interact with those of us with disabilities, and it is usually due to the fact that they have never done it before. That being said, it annoys me for two reasons. The first being because this poster was not directed the general "naive" public but at individuals who they already consider to be an important part of their lives. It has occurred to me that maybe I am super fortunate in having family and friends who [seem as though they] are totally comfortable being with me in public. However, it has also occurred to me that the people who started this thread have non-friends and ridiculous relatives who mistreat them and that is obviously upsetting. I have just learned to be a valuable asset in someone else's life, and have nothing to deserve better friends or more accepting family than anybody else. Life is horrifically unfair.

The second source of my irritation came from the fact that a poster like the one they were planning on creating, could cause people to think all of us with disabilities want all the same things in an “ally”. For example, one of the instructions they give is: Don’t help unless you are asked. I am comfortable asking three of my many wonderful friends and acquaintances for physical help, and one of them has a disability, too. The rest of them just have to infer that I am struggling and ALWAYS help without being asked as they know I’m too stubborn to tell them I need them.  Another one is: Ask permission before touching my body and/or my wheelchair/crutches/walker/cane. I really could not care less, if someone moved my walker. I would much rather them do that than bump into it; I am extremely anxious about inconveniencing strangers. I do think it is a good idea to ask permission before touching another’s body, disabled or not. This doesn't mean that the aforementioned guidelines are bad, but they would not work for me. No two relationships are identical, and no two people are the same, even if they have a disability in common,

So to be a good Ally a disabled person in your life:

1.       Get to them. Think about what they like and dislike how they treat you, etc…

2.       Go from there

You could probably use these rules for any friend you encounter.